Legalize Counterfeiting to Save the Economy.

A few months ago I commented on a saving the economy bulletin posted by Dethklok’s Nathan Explosion. In it I suggested that we write our congressmen and ask them to legalize counterfeiting. Since then, it has come to my attention that there are some flaws with this idea. For instance, if everyone could counterfeit money no one would need to work which would create another problem: That we wouldn’t be able to spend the money as stores, restaurants and bars would be closed; because who would want to work when they could be out spending their homemade money? A catch-22.

We’ll, I’ve managed to think a way around this.

As much as I hate to admit it counterfeiting would have to be regulated. So here are some ideas of how we could make the counterfeiting idea work.

First, you would need a government permit to counterfeit. These could be fairly cheap as pretty much everyone would want one. At about $25 per permit the government could make billions which would have a very positve effect on the nation’s deficit.

Second, to get a counterfeiting permit and keep one, you would need to be gainfully employed full time. This would ensure that everyone would be able to spend the money, obviously the part of my plan that most helps the economy.

Third, there would have to be limits on on how much you could counterfeit. Perhaps only an extra $100 a week in bills no larger than a $10. It could also be set up that you could only counterfeit weekends before holidays.

As for the process of making currency: Cheap counterfeit machines would be made to be available for purchase at places like Wal-Mart and Kmart. You would hook one of these machines up to your online computer and whenever it is permissible to counterfeit, the government would ‘flip a switch’ and you could then turn your machine on to manufacture a specific amount of money or maybe even deposit legal counterfeit credit directly to your bank account within the duration of time designated for such activity. The latter idea could be used for those who may not be able to afford the specialized printing devices.

Now you might be wondering what the point of the counterfeiting machines would be if we could just deposit legal counterfeit credit into our accounts. And so I present the following additional brainstorm.

Another cool thing that could be factored into my wonderful counterfeiting idea is the choice of putting whatever image you wanted on a certain section of the bills and still having it be legal tender. Wouldn’t it be just radical to pay your rent or pay for dinner with real dollar bills that have a picture of you sticking your tongue out at the world instead of some long dead president?

Obviously, this is just a basic scenario and the fine details would have to be worked out; but I believe the legalization of counterfeiting would save the economy, make people happy and bring a new level of respectability to the face of the government.

Of course, if counterfeit money were legalized in this way then it wouldn’t really be counterfeit so we’d have to call it something else. I think ‘dream dollars’ has a nice ring to it. You know, as in the American Dream. It’s about time, don’t you think?

Kevin Dubrow

Note: The following words were originally published in a Herostratus MySpace bulletin.

For those who haven't heard. Kevin Dubrow, singer of Quiet Riot sadly left this earthly realm last night (November 25th 2007).

Some of you don't know me that well, but those that do know that Quiet Riot's Metal Health album was the first album I ever owned. It was the album that made me a metalhead. It was the album that maintained my sanity as I rebelled against oppressive and rather insane parents. It was also THE album that gave me the desire to play guitar. If not for Quiet Riot and Kevin Dubrow, Herostratus would certainly not exist and neither would I.

Ironically, it was an anti-rock convention at a church my parents dragged me to that helped cement my faith in Quiet Riot and Heavy Metal. At this convention the speaker condemned all Heavy Metal of course, but curiously he didn't say anything about one of the bands he had plastered all over his anti-rock sign-boards. This band was Quiet Riot.

So after his warped presentation I confronted him and asked why he had pictures of Quiet Riot and Stryper included with all the other bands he claimed were satanic. He told me that he didn't know anything about Quiet Riot and that Stryper were satanic because they used God's name to make money. This is when I realized that my parents, my school teachers and the church were completely off their rockers.

Not long before this, a combined effort from my parents, teachers and pastors had me convinced that I was going to burn in Hell if I kept listening to Heavy Metal. I walked home from the bus stop after a day of Lutheran elementary school listening to Quiet Riot on my walkman and crying because I 'knew for a fact' that I was very definitely going to burn in Hell (which at that time I believed was very real). And it just didn't seem fair.

In my youth I listened to Quiet Riot's Metal Health so often I wore out five albums on cassette (each copy I paid for mind you). Happily I got to tell Kevin this on one of the three occasions I got to meet him. Very definitely one of the coolest big time rockers I've ever met. He came across as a very sincere person and even thanked me for asking for his autograph on my sixth purchase of Metal Health (on CD finally) which he hilariously ended up signing twice in the throes of autograph mania.

Furthermore, I'm proud to have regularily played and talked about Quiet Riot on the Metal Storm, a radio show (R.I.P.) that I used to produce on KRPR 89.9. I'm also proud to have seen the classic line up three times.

One of those times was at the Medina Entertainment Center in Medina MN, where afterwards Kevin jokingly told me he would kill me if I didn't write a good review. Anyway, during the show, between songs I started screaming "Love's a Bitch" when I didn't see it on the set list; a few others joined in and almost before we knew it the song took flight with the audience screaming the chorus as loud as possible. How awesome is that?

That all said. I am very thankful that Kevin, Rudy, Carlos, and Frankie reformed and recorded and toured for Guilty Pleasures (the album I am listening to right now) as it gave me a chance to finally see and meet childhood friends I had never met but were always there for me. Friends that are ever present throughout my memories of digging 5 ft deep holes in a city park, of lighting my action figures on fire (and almost burning down the house in the process), of taping bottle rockets to model airplanes, of building tree forts that sometimes fell out of the tree, of driving my parents car through the garage door when it was down (and before I had my license or permit), and of course Kevin and Quiet Riot were always there during the many hours spent reading comic books. In fact there are probably very few memories of my youth in which Quiet Riot weren't present.

Rest in Peace Kevin. You deserve it.

- Ace Herostratus Warloch

Book of World Records Fails Miserably

A few years ago I wrote the Guinness Book of World Records in regards as to why they discontinued publishing Manowar's record as the 'Loudest Band in the World.' As you can see above, they didn't give me much of an answer. They didn't even tell me why my idea for setting a record was "unsuitable." Nowadays, I don't even remember the particular idea I asked them about. I've had several ideas over the years for setting or creating records; however, they were probably all unsuitable. Story of my life.

Well, how 'bout this for a world record? I hereby declare that I, Ace Herostratus Warloch, refuse to acknowledge that the Guinness Book Of Records exists - the book is not even an idea in anyone's head. That's right, as the first pseudonym to deny the existence of the GBWR, I have set a new world record in denial. And if it's not a record then at least it's history. So there!

Aspartame is Toxic

The following was originally written for my intro chemistry class. I got an A on it.

Discovered by accident during research to develop new treatments for gastric ulcers, aspartame is now a billion-dollar a year industry and can be found in over 5000 products. Currently the aspartame industry is under massive surveillance and discussion now that the public is aware that aspartame can and does convert to formaldehyde and formic acid in the human body.

What makes aspartame, a dipeptide methyl ester; so dangerous is that it is unstable. If the temperature of aspartame rises above 86 degrees F, the 10% methanol in it changes into formaldehyde and then to formic acid. In other words, it becomes a poison. This poison has caused, provoked, and/or aggravated a multitude of problems. Including: brain tumors, brain cancer, multiple sclerosis, epilepsy, chronic fatigue syndrome, Parkinson’s disease, Alzheimer’s disease, lymphoma, mental retardation, birth defects, headaches, dizziness, mood alterations, gastrointestinal problems, dermatalogic symptoms, altered menstrual patterns, vertigo, depression, blurred vision, memory loss, anxiety attacks, slurred speech, muscle spasms, and tinnitus.

I found a quote on the Internet that really hits home on how bad aspartame really is. "Chemically speaking, it’s as if image-conscious dieters, in their quest for weight loss, were sucking on the toe of a corpse ‘just for the taste of it.'" (Rauer 1996) The writer was bringing to attention that the formaldehyde formed in the human body from aspartame is the same stuff they embalm dead people with.

Personally I believe aspartame to be responsible for damage to my nervous system resulting in uncontrollable muscle spasms. Also I seem to have a harder time remembering stuff in short-term memory than I used to, which I attribute to aspartame intake as well as working in a manufacturing plant where I breathed in a lot of industrial paint fumes.

I should mention that the liver can and does deal with reasonable quantities of methanol. In fact methanol is in other products we consume like alcohol some fruit juices. However, the ethanol in alcohol prevents the conversion of methanol into formaldehyde. Fruit juice seems to have something protective in it that does the same or similar, negating and/or minimizing adverse effects.

Nevertheless, methanol is cumulative and that is partly where the problem lies.

The facts and consumer reports against Aspartame on the Internet literally overwhelm all statements and rebuttals by aspartame’s manufacturer Monsanto as well as the FDA’s position. The FDA’s website states "To date, FDA has not determined any consistent pattern of symptoms that can be attributed to the use of aspartame, nor is the agency aware of any recent studies that clearly show safety problems."

This stance is pretty amazing when you take into consideration that the FDA refused to approve aspartame for over eight years because of the seizures and brain tumors this drug produced in lab animals. (Note: because humans lack a couple enzymes found in animals, we are more sensitive to the effects of methanol than test animals.) The FDA finally approved aspartame after Ronald Reagan fired the FDA commissioner who wouldn’t. His replacement, Dr. Arthur Hull Hayes, Jr., approved aspartame, despite the Board of Inquiry that stated, "Do not approve aspartame." Soon after approving the poison Dr. Hayes left for work with a public relations firm.

The FDA’s statement is even more ridiculous when you take into account that out of 90 independently funded studies, 83 of them found one or more problems caused by aspartame. Ironically, all 74 studies funded by the aspartame industry claimed no problematic results, not exactly a surprise.

The FDA’s statement can finally be understood when you understand they are receiving 'funds' from the Monsanto Corporation, who just so happen to be the owners of NutraSweet. Now it all becomes clear, the government agency that is supposed to be working to protect the American public has a 'good' reason not to - money. Did I mention that the American Diabetic Association also receives 'funding' from this company? Maybe it’s not all a conspiracy though; it appears the FDA is suing Monsanto. Though I didn’t come across more info about the suit while researching this topic.

Just as bad as the FDA’s denial of the facts is that there are manufactures who know the dangers of aspartame yet do not replace the aspartame with a safe alternative (they do exist). Two such companies are Coca-Cola and Twin Labs. Twin Labs is a surprise considering they sell bodybuilding supplements and other health products.

Ultimately my research has shown me that money, politics and bureaucracy are more important than integrity, ethics or human decency. This is depressing but not very shocking. Hopefully one-day humanity will wake up.

SOURCES

http://www.mercola.com/article/aspartame/

http://www.dorway.com/badnews.html

http://vm.cfsan.fda.gov/~dms/qa-adf9.html

http://www.chm.bris.ac.uk/motm/aspartame/aspartameh.html

www.holisticmed.com/aspartame

Markle, Nancy. “Aspartame-NutraSweet Alert.” 19 June. 2001. The web page for this article is no longer be up. I received a copy via e-mail.